


Precious Grain

by xanthae



Category: THE iDOLM@STER
Genre: Angst, Backstory, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-23
Updated: 2019-03-23
Packaged: 2019-11-28 14:45:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18209717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xanthae/pseuds/xanthae
Summary: [million live]an attempt at shizuka's backstory. made for an ml gift exchange on twitter





	Precious Grain

**Author's Note:**

> loosely based off what happens in the manga but uh... this is mostly just my own stuff lol. I kind of just ran off with what I had in my head for this
> 
> references for better reading:
> 
> [outfit described in 06](https://www.project-imas.com/w/images/b/b4/Shizuka_OFA.jpg)
> 
> [air on the g string](https://youtu.be/EPrKqbctx8U)
> 
> (also why are there no ml ship/character/fandom tags,,)

\---

01

_"The imprisoned grains of sand_  
_are falling with a sound...Hey, you hear it, right?"_

\---

 

The little child huffs and marches onto the center of the room. The ambiance is as usual - white walls and monochrome decals, surrounding a well-furnished space that unusually feels empty. Of course, little Shizuka could not think of such trivial things when the plush underneath her feet tickles, or the cold plastic of the toy microphone she's gripping is as comforting as ever.

"My name is Shizuka Mogami! Please listen to me sing!"

A small, chubby arm raises the microphone to the ceiling - as if introducing herself to an audience, like one of those bright, happy people on the TV.

Why does she find so much comfort in this little act? Why is it that, when acting this way while holding such a cheap item, she is given an immense amount of happiness?

Interesting were the questions that flitted through young Shizuka's mind, none of which she would actually have the answer to until a few years pass. For now, she knew - if it made her happy, there is no reason for her to stop doing it.

She grips the microphone even tighter, and closes her eyes. Today, she's going to give it her all again.

"La~ laa~"

Every note that spills from her throat strains just a tiny bit, but it gives her a pleasant feeling she doesn't think she's felt before. A feeling of belonging - like she was made to do this.

Yes, she can do this.

It's times like these where she gets lost in her fantasies that she loves the most.

"Is Shizuka singing again?"

Ah. That came faster than normal.

"...Shizuka?"

The girl halts, and runs over to the source of the sound. As expected, it's her father, sitting on the couch with newspaper and his favorite drink on the table.

Her mother is also at his side, carrying the fancy little pots Shizuka may have broken a few several times. She shuffles away from them, remembering the scolding of her mother.

"Mhmm..?" Shizuka asks, hiding the microphone behind her back and smiling bashfully at her parents.

Her father sets down his newspaper and sighs. There is a prominent crease in his eyebrows as he looks over his daughter.

"I'm glad to see you're having fun, but you can't sing forever, Shizuka."

"Why not?" a young, naïve mind asks, and her mother and father simultaneously look at each other in an emotion Shizuka does not fully recognize.

"We're going to have to monitor you more closely from now on."

 

\---

02

_"The confined future is falling._  
_Enough of just gazing at it!"_

\---

 

"..."

Shizuka hadn't dreamt in a while.

She glances over to her bedside table - the glow of neon red informs her that it is 5:29 in the morning. Unfortunately, a minute before her alarm is set to go off.

Shimmying out of bed, she hits the button and rubs her eyes. It's still dark, but she supposes she couldn't go back to sleep even if she wanted to.

She makes her way to the bathroom, cold tiles sliding along her bare feet. As per usual, she stares at herself in the mirror. Only this time, not for vanity, but for scrutiny.

Shizuka Mogami, fourteen years of age, currently in her last year of middle school. Shizuka Mogami, a star student staring into the broken depths of her feelings long supressed.

Shizuka Mogami, a person who could not even dream to be a singer.

The tears that run down her face are far, far too scalding for her liking.

She can't live like this.

 

\---

03

_"They are supposed to be as many as stars,_  
_but only a countable amount is in my hands."_

\---

 

And once again, the little girl finds herself in the middle of a room. Only this time, the plush carpet has been replaced with a polished wood floor, the plastic of the microphone replaced with cold hard metal, and the little girl no longer little in any aspect of her being.

It's taken her a lot to get to this point. Nights and nights of relentless, almost crazed begging in front of her father, like a strong flame attempting to melt the hardest of ice.

There's only so much one can achieve in such circumstances, though. If Shizuka were to be honest, she'd very much prefer a better situation than what she's been given, but she's learned to be grateful for even the little misfortunes life throws her way - to some extent.

Clearly, her being here means that she still hasn't fully accepted her misfortunes, but she tries not to think about that too much.

"Shizuka Mogami, 14. You are auditioning for 765 Production. Are you ready?"

The room is small, far too small and constricting, yet Shizuka feels as if she shouldn't - couldn't - be anywhere else.

Time does not wait for the weak.

"Yes."

 

\---

04

_"Even just one grain is something irreplaceable._  
_I want to make it come true while I'm changing it into light."_

\---

 

"You're an idol now, Shizuka-chan? That's so cool! Is it great?"

They were walking side by side in a ong school hallway, the optimistic brown-haired ball of energy contrasting greatly with the pessismistic navy-haired realist.

Shizuka sighs.

Truth be told, she isn't sure how to answer. She could be blunt and say it isn't all shine and sparkles, or she could take pity on a potentially hopeful soul such as Mirai and lead her on with the illusion of false grandeur.

"Sometimes. There's a lot of things to consider when being an idol."

Mirai halts and walks in front of Shizuka, staring at her straight in the face - as if questioning her - before smiling her usual smile.

"I see... Shizuka-chan is so responsible! Having idol and student council duties must be so tiring.."

This causes Shizuka to laugh, something more along the lines of self-deprecation rather than genuine amusement.

The hallway spreads out before her, bleak and irrelevant, shaped to be just like every other hallway in the school.

She no longer hears what her friend is babbling about beside her - indeed, she has a lot on her plate, and god knows how she's going to pull this off.

 

\---

05

_"Just one irreplaceable dream._  
_If you saw it too...Then reach out, to the other side of the glass."_

\---

 

The udon lays fresh before her, the flavor of beef broth wafting around the room and the hot soup simmering.

Shizuka swears she wasn't hungry just a second ago, but the rumbling of her stomach pushes out all other thoughts in her head.

"Thank you for the food."

She takes a careful bite of the noodles, before fully digging in. As expected, Minako really does deliver when it comes to food.

Shizuka takes a sip of the soup and sets the bowl down. "Your udon's great as usual, Minako-san."

A clang comes from the nearby kitchen, followed by a cry.

"Minako-san?!"

Shizuka almost rushes to the kitchen, but out comes stumbling none other than Minako herself, hair slightly disheveled and a rather bashful look on her face.

"Haha, don't mind me Shizuka, I just dropped a pan -- anyway, what did you say? Did you want more udon? I'll get some more for you--"

"Ah, no-- I mean, that would be great, but I would just like to say... thanks for cooking such a great meal as usual."

Minako straightens up, and walks over to Shizuka's table. She smiles at her, and pats her shoulder.

"Hehe~ always glad to be of help, Shizuka! Make sure you eat healthy, remember that your health is extremely important."

Taking another sip of the udon, Shizuka smiles. Sometimes she thinks it's a little selfish of her to request Minako to make udon out of the blue, but thankfully the latter didn't seem to mind at all.

She goes to take some more of the noodles, but not before seeing Minako's seemingly concerned face reflected back in it.

She turns and sees Minako stare back at her in surprise. "Minako-san? What's wrong?"

"Ah..."

The brown-haired girl twiddles her fingers for a bit before staring Shizuka straight in the eye.

"You... have a performance later today, right?"

Shizuka has a feeling Minako's asking a rhetorical question at this point - the whole production should know by now that she's performing. However, she pays no heed to it.

"Yes, why do you ask, Minako-san?"

The older girl giggles.

"Mirai's been gushing about it here in the office all day, about you had a performance coming."

Right, Mirai. She recently joined the agency after learning of Shizuka being there. She hasn't actually seen her around much yet, but with the amount of times Shizuka's held herself hostage within the confines of the practice room, she knew that the blame was mostly on her part.

That would explain the feeling that she was being watched by a certain someone every now and then.

"Shizuka?"

Oh, she had trailed off in her thoughts again.

"...Yeah, I do. Later in the evening."

Minako looks at her with a look she couldn't quite place her finger on. It's a little off for her to look so wistful and serious, but Shizuka is well aware that everyone in the agency has... well, something they hide within them.

Of course, she is no exception.

Minako once again pats her shoulder, this time in a more motherly and reassuring fashion than earlier.

"You can do it! Good luck, Shizuka~"

 

\---

06

_"The waves break and retreat and wash away days...Hey, what are you feeling about them?"_

\---

 

"Ritsuko-san, I'm nervous."

It's dim backstage, sounds from outside muffled within the soundproof walls. It contrasts greatly with the very brightly lit stage outside, filled with the mumbles and chatters of a waiting audience.

An audience Shizuka knows she has to please no matter what.

The girl behind her hums, and continues to brush her hair.

"It's normal, Shizuka. We all get nervous. You can do it, we all believe in you."

Of course, she really did believe in that. Every wish the girls in 765Pro gave her only strengthened her resolve - she had gone in as a lone wolf, but now she couldn't imagine a life without any of them.

The problem is - does she believe in herself?

Ritsuko brushes the last strands of her hair before admiring her work in the mirror in front of her.

"Perfect."

Shizuka follows her eyes to the mirror - with her hair done and face made, she looked almost like another person. Her attire for that day was especially amazing - consisting of a dress lined with white frills that faded from green to blue, white gloves, black stockings and floral blue heels. A butterfly ornament sat atop her head, completing her ethereal look.

Ritsuko smiled. "What do you think?"

Shizuka couldn't help but smile back.

"It's beautiful. Thank you, Ritsuko-san."

The latter raises her eyebrows goes over to the exit.

"Aha- Roco made that dress for your information, not me. Speaking of, she's probably in the audience waiting to see her creation be used."

"No, not just the dress - thank you for organizing this and helping me, Ritsuko-san. Really, thank you."

Ritsuko's almost out of the door at this point, but she looks back at Shizuka and chuckles, a glint visible in those brown eyes located behind rimmed glasses.

"All in the day of 765Pro's producer. Now, go, it's almost your turn."

 

\---

07

_"The disappearance of letters written in the sand_  
_causes sorrow. Enough of that!"_

\---

 

It hurts.

It's not supposed to hurt this much.

Theoretically, she did well. She was mature enough to know that success does not equate to getting first place, or being the winner.

However, it's not a secret that it's fairly easy for expectation to cloud one's rational judgement. Hours and hours of endless practicing all done for the sake of reaching a goal, and even though one always tells themselves that the outcome shouldn't matter, deep inside they know it does - more than anything.

As such, it leads one to start turning to hope - _I could, I should be able to win this_ , they think. These expectations fueled with equal parts hard work and equal parts prayer make room for improvement, but also for downfall.

And yet, once again, Shizuka lets it get the better of her.

She won't ever learn, will she?

The sky is dark, and the air cold. Fall is quickly fading, and it shows through the increasing abundance of people wearing coats and scarves and windows gradually putting up Christmas ornaments.

There's some snow on the ground as well, a prelude to the winter that was about to come. Shizuka crunches on some snow with her boot, hoping to at least let out some stress somehow.

Her ears pick up a familiar tune from an open shop nearby, the sound of a piano playing. Almost unconsciously, her fingers curl at her sides.

She moves closer to the source of the tune - realizing that it's coming from a recording playing on the speaker of a clothing shop.

 _Air on the G String_ , Shizuka says to herself as she finally gets a clear hearing of the piece. She knew how to play this piece, it's a shame she didn't have a piano to vent out her frustrations at this moment.

"Shizuka-chan!"

Mirai?

Shizuka turns, and sure enough the she sees a familiar tuft of brown-hair heading towards her. Even in the cold night air, Mirai can run unbelievably fast.

"Mirai, it's time to go home... what are you doing here?"

Mirai halts to a stop before Shizuka and huffs before brown eyes meet blue.

"Nothing, I just wanted to say you did a good job! Even if you didn't win, Shizuka shined so brightly on stage! I'm sure everyone will remember you." Mirai says and smiles, as she always does.

Her smile is especially beautiful today, a day where everything else was not.

Shizuka's reminded once again of her feelings, and maybe - just maybe - she could try and let them out for once. Surely Mirai understands.

She casts her eyes down to the pavement.

"You know, Mirai.. I'm jealous of you."

Mirai is awfully silent - Shizuka casts her eyes back up to her and finds a look that's somewhat both concerned and confused in her eyes.

She turns her head to the side. "What do you mean, Shizuka-chan?"

Shizuka starts to shiver - at this point she isn't sure whether it's the cold or her tears threatening to spill from her eyes once more.

"You're such a great person, Mirai. I believe you'll become an amazing idol one day. I really do."

This time Mirai's expression softens, and it wasn't hard to spot the familiar gleam forming in Mirai's eyes as well.

"Shizuka-"

"You'll be an amazing idol, and I'll be able to watch you shine on stage as an average adult."

"Ah-"

"You'll be everywhere - on TV, on the papers, online. You'll be able to perform what you love in front of people, and give them happiness in return. You'll be loved and revered by everyone, and for good reason."

She now notices Mirai crying as well, scarf pulled over her face in an attempt to stop the stream of tears spilling down.

"I'll tell everyone that I'm friends with the amazing Mirai Kasuga, I'll even tell them that I was training with you at some point. Do well, okay?"

"Don't..."

"I know I didn't do bad. I did well, but there's only so much you can do when you don't have much time... to... prove yourself..."

She chokes a bit, and now she's crying too. She'd hoped they wouldn't fall, but it was a lost cause from the beginning anyway.

Mirai walks closer to Shizuka, and before she knew it she was getting a big hug from her.

"It's okay, Shizuka-chan... it's okay..."

Shizuka lets the tears flow freely this time, all her care in the world vanishing in an instant.

They both just stay for a while in overwhelming silence, in that deserted street corner next to the clothing shop playing piano music.

"I don't want to stop being an idol, Mirai. I want to keep being an idol. I want to keep being an idol with you."

"I know... " Mirai says, sniffing through her scarf. "It's not over yet, Shizuka-chan. You... you know that."

Does she?

"Please don't give up just yet, Shizuka-chan."

 

\---

08

_"If my palms are not enough to scoop it all up,_  
_help me with both your hands."_

\---

 

It's been a few months since then. Shizuka is nowhere near her goal yet, and more often than not she finds herself still worrying about her future as an idol - not that she would admit it to the other girls.

However things have indeed gotten better - with that fated performance came a few agencies

Perhaps the most surprising change of all was her father - Shizuka knows he's still not very supportive of what she does, but with every nod and approval she gets for idol activities, she knows that it's a step closer towards his acceptance.

Once again, she finds herself back on a familiar place - it's almost as if she can feel the plush carpet and the plastic microphone from years ago.

Except now, she's finally - _finally_ where she truly belongs.

She makes a mental note to ask Minako for some udon later - she's going to be pretty hungry after this.

"My name is Shizuka Mogami! Please listen to me sing!"

 

\---

_Even just one grain is something I want to cherish._  
_How come no one else notices the jewelry called "time"?_  
_I have just one irreplaceable dream._  
_I want my song packed with my wishes to reach that star._

_But I can't fulfill this dream all on my own..._

_Even just one grain is something irreplaceable._  
_I want to make it reach the star when I've changed it into light._  
_Just one irreplaceable dream._  
_When that dream is fulfilled...Will I shed at least one drop of shining tears?_

_Even just one grain is something irreplaceable._  
_Just one irreplaceable dream!_

_\- Precious Grain; Shizuka Mogami_

**Author's Note:**

> never give up on your dreams guys


End file.
